No Dear Becca letter today. Instead, the whole newsletter is sort of going to be a Dear Becca letter. I want to address some of the questions I've been getting lately.

First, we only have a few spots left at this year's in-person conference, and I wanted to remind the newsletter that this is coming. (I regularly get the feedback that we don't announce things enough and yeah, that's warranted.)

​If you want to come to see Claire Taylor and I in person in Minnesota for three days (along with a few of your closest BFA Nation friends), here's the link for that.​

Now.

Let's have a chat, my friend.

Since we've been talking about overwhelm a bit more on the Patreon, and on Facebook, I've been seeing the numbers of comments go up considerably, and then I've been tracking how many times we talk about this in coaching. There is so much more awareness of the overwhelm than there used to be, also, because we're noticing it in other people, and then recognizing the behaviors or emotions in ourselves.

It is possible for overwhelm to be a normal part of our life (and a part of our personality, as well). If you are more dominant in Intellection, for instance, you might get overwhelmed regularly, just as a function of daily life. For myself, I've learned that when my Intellection gets overwhelmed, it's just a signal that I need to walk away and think. In fact, sometimes, I have to stop conversations in the middle, just so I can let my brain have a moment to think.

When overwhelm is a normal part of your personality, it can serve the important function of letting you know that something is too much, and it's time to shut it down. Or it's time to give yourself what you need.

Of course, this doesn't mean it's going to feel good. It's still frustrating to be in the middle of scrolling and get that feeling of the nope-out. Especially when your brain might want more dopamine. It's still annoying to be mid-conversation and feel like you can't handle even one more word. But the self-directed anger doesn't help.

I'm constantly reminding myself that overwhelm is a helpful signal, and that I just need to go think, or be alone, or research, or switch tasks. It's just a signal.

What is it a signal of, though? That's what we want to diagnose.

The first thing I would try is deep breathing. I know this sounds trite, but increasing oxygen flow to the brain is always the first place I want to start with people. Do the "breathe, hold, exhale, hold" first (I usually do a four-count of each), four times.

Even just now, as you're reading this, roll your shoulders, drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth, take a full breath. Too often, when our subconscious brain is ruling our actions, we're unaware of just how tight we are, or just how stressed, or just how little we relax.

If you've seen me talk about the "why don't I have better posture" question, it might be worth doing a Y-L-T-W stretch just to remind your body that it can do other things besides sit at the computer or hold a phone. The subconscious brain rules so much of what we do.

The second thing I would try, and I don't know if you noticed that we just did an example of it, but... distract yourself. Do something besides continue to listen to the person or besides continuing to think about the problem. Do something else.

This is why, just on a side note, we reach for our phones or flip to social media or email when we're feeling essential pain. (That tiny hit of discomfort that causes our brain to look for dopamine.) This problem is painful, ouch, and to soothe it, we flip to a place that will give us the chemical we need.

It's also why, while I'm always asking us to at least try not going on social media first thing, I try really hard not to vilify social media. Because even though it absolutely does steal productivity from us, sometimes "being the most productive" is the opposite of what we need. Sometimes we actually just need soothing.

The third thing I would try is journaling. Especially about what you are feeling, not about what you are thinking. When we get overwhelmed, it's often the feelings that need to get processed, and not the thoughts.

Let me give you an example.

Every time I think about doing something "bigger" than what I'm doing, and I start talking to someone about it, I inevitably get overwhelmed at all the thoughts swirling in my head. And I'm surprised by how, when I step away, it's not actually the content of the project or the content of the talk that I'm thinking about. It's always the "what if" questions that are triggering fears.

It never fails, and I can feel the fear in my body now (I've done quite a bit of work in the last couple of years trying to identify where in my body I feel certain emotions), and no amount of thinking about the content (even though it is a lot for my Intellection to process) is going to help me because it's the emotion that hits the overwhelm button.

So I've started journaling in those moments, instead of numbing. Trying to face the fear that I have about what happens if I'm more successful and what happens if more people pay attention to me. Historically, "attention" of people has not been good for me, and it triggers a fear every time. Trying to force myself to continue talking in those conversations (live) will never lead to me solving my overwhelm. In fact, the overwhelm is a signal that I need to address this thing.

It won't go away if I don't address it.

The fourth thing I would try is to submerge yourself in water. Bath or shower or pool or ocean. (Sometimes, even just being near water--sit by the river, or sit by the ocean--can help.) There's something about the way water impacts us biologically that stimulates our thinking centers. For some of us, it might be that this is the only time when people genuinely leave us alone, so there's that, for sure. But I would try the water. Also, showering brings an inherent trigger of a routine (how you step-by-step through your self care routine in the shower is usually a habit), which can turn the brain off for a bit.

Driving can also do this.

No matter what, though, I would take the overwhelm as a signal to be alone. This is not me running away (which is how it might be labeled by a family member or friend in the middle of a discussion), but here's what I would do in that situation.

Sometime, when you're not in the middle of an overwhelming discussion, sit down with the person who doesn't like to be run away from, and explain to them that sometimes you need to hit the pause button. (If you've ever seen How I Met Your Mother, the "Pause" that Marshall and Lily yell out in their arguments is one of the best examples of this I've seen.) Talk ahead of time with them about the fact that you do want to finish discussions, but when your overwhelm kicks in, it's a signal that you need to stop and think, and you need to be alone to do that.

I have a rule with my family that I will always come back, after my overwhelm has calmed down (I give myself 20 minutes for the adrenaline to relax itself), and I always do. Even when it's uncomfortable. But especially certain family members don't like it when I walk away from them, and they want to "finish" the conversation, so I always commit to coming back. But something like the pause button gives you the ability to be who you are, and also honor who they are, and finish the conversations.

Obviously, I have more things to say about overwhelm, and the book I'm currently working on is on overwhelm, so I can't say everything in this newsletter, but I wanted to address this, because it's already a problem in our industry (the number of people feeling overwhelmed by everything), and it's not going to get any better or easier. If we address it, or if we have tools to handle it, it will get easier, though.

And some of you are undoubtedly looking around saying, "I don't see it, Becca," and to you I say, I'm so glad you exist. There need to be people who can't feel this level of emotion in the people around them. But it's there, and it's growing. We need to do everything we can do, on an individual level, to get to that place where we quickly and easily respond to our overwhelm without judgment.

Here's what I want you to do, if you're overwhelmed by all there is to do in your author career, or all the things people are telling you "should" be done if you want to be a "real" or a "successful" author.

Open the manuscript and write.

Let the other stuff sit there for awhile. Let your brain keep mulling on it. Or make an appointment to talk to someone about it. Sometimes the reason you're feeling overwhelm is literally because you can't prioritize, and you need help prioritizing. I know when I talk to my #1 Focus friend, her ability to focus so far exceeds mine, she'll help me find my focus again. Sometimes we need perspective.

Okay, I'm really gonna stop now. I have other work I need to get done and I've been putting off sending this newsletter for a week now. And honestly, I don't want to write this book, either. I know it's going to create more awareness and give people tools and that's great. But I'm tired, too, y'all.

Anyway. Let's all take a deep breath together, and then I'm going to go open the manuscript and think or write or research or edit.

It's manuscript time.

Big hugs to all of you. Hope to see some of you in Minnesota in October.

<3 Becca <3